Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A little sponsorship.

Jenson Button for Prime Minister. Photo by Ryan Bayona.

Dear editor;

Sometimes, when the cost seems a little too much to bear; you might need some sponsorship.  If the trend towards privatization is to be successful, it must be employed across the board.

Sammy’s Police Services, Achmed’s Fire Protection (2004) Ltd; Bob and Doug’s Welfare Office. Hank’s Jail, Acme Hospitals Inc., RJR-Macdonald Cancer Clinics, Timmy’s Soup Kitchen. (Poor people could drive through in their 4X4’s.)  McDonald’s Elementary Schools. Coca-Cola emblazoned on the tail fins of CF-18’s.

Bids for cabinet positions are now being tendered. And they’ll be wearing Nascar-type coveralls splattered with sponsor’s patches.

“Join the Intel/Pentium Navy and see the world.”

Oh, yeah, eh, I hear the Royal Bank/Kia Canada/NAPA Auto Parts/ Gov.Can.Com Legislative Session will be running this spring. Looks like we got us a game. How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Their lips move.

And what if smart bombs demand better contractual conditions? Chrome tail fins and a racing stripe, a retirement plan? It’s the least we can do for them, if they agree to carry our corporate logo.  Hey: a new career path might open up: ‘Unexploded Bomb Negotiator.’

“Hey, little buddy…you know you want to do this…it’s your destiny…of course you’re scared…who wouldn’t be…”

If all them little drone aircraft attempt to bargain collectively for bigger engines, higher octane fuel; let’s label them “terrorists” and shoot ‘em down ourselves. We created ‘em, you know.

Don’t ask what you can do for your country. Just go to Disneyland, spend lotsa money. War is heck, eh?

But if we can consume stuff faster than everyone else, we win.  And we had a lot of spare bombs laying around gathering dust. No good to anyone.  But I have other worries, too.

Remember that Canadian cabinet minister, boasted to the microphones, “We broke the secret Afghan code!” (This was some time ago. –ed.)

It’s called, ‘Sanskrit,’ buddy. Here, this stone tablet holds an important clue. Take it firmly in both hands and whack! Yourself in the freaking head with it. Now  promise me you’ll never, ever, ever tell anyone you broke the secret code…if you can remember.

It wouldn’t confuse most of us if the cop cars had ‘Labatt’s’ or ‘Frank’s Red-Hot Sauce’ painted on the doors and hood.

“Hey! I put that sh** on everything.”

(Promise you won’t monkey with the restrictor plate. That’s cheatin’.) Guess if we wanted to save money real bad, we could always try a little harder. There are lots of ways to save money. Put a couple pounds more air pressure in the tires.

Clean some of the useless junk out of the vehicle.  There’s never any air in the spare so why carry it around?

When you search someone’s vehicle, keep all the winning tabs – you know, like…winning tabs…?

Someone said they didn’t want to fight over oil. I got an idea. Why don’t we fight over something sensible…like religion?

Like that Noah guy coming down the mountain: “I bring to you direct from God Himself these Fifteen (Kersmash!) Oops! I mean Ten Commandments…”

It caused a big controversy at the time.


No comments:

Post a Comment