Me and Buzz Housefly.

"A housefly in Chennai," Aravind Sivaway, (Wiki.)

Ian Cooper

Yay. Buzz (my pet housefly) has returned. He was probably just sulking, ah, due to the fact that I've tried to kill him ten or twelve times today.

I tried to get him a few times yesterday too, but he keeps coming back, looking for more. I thought I'd killed him a few times there, but maybe I was being too gentle. All that goop, ladies and gentlemen. Right?

I didn't want to get any of him on me...

Flies are okay. They're good people.

They're a bit like a dog in that sort of unconditional love that flies have.

You can even frolic with them, although I have to admit the poor little guy’s a bit of a punching-bag when I’m feeling insecure.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It's just that Buzz and I have become a bit withdrawn, perhaps even isolated over the years.

Every so often we feel the need to talk.

...let's hope me and Buzz get out of here for a little while tomorrow. Nice thing about a housefly, you can carry 'em in a matchbox.

...sounds to me like someone's got another idea. (Buzz.)

I just received an email where someone asked, "If I bought one of your books, would you sleep with me?"

I said, "Sure, and why not, it sure beats having sex with you."

“That’s funny, Ian. Are you working right now?”

“Ah, yes, Buzz, I am.”

“Okay. Well. I’ll try not to bother you too much.”

Buzz came and sat in my lap first thing this morning. They're eminently trainable. I kind of worry about the little guy sometimes. All that second-hand smoke.

I knew Buzz was a keeper when he flew inverted two inches above the keyboard, then pulled up into a series of Cuban-8s, hammerheads and rolling circles.

I think he likes me.

Buzz and I are going to the park to play catch later, but first some lunch. Houseflies don’t eat much; (they don’t drink much either), but a single grain of sugar keeps him going all day long. As for myself, I don’t know, maybe back-bacon sandwiches or something.

I leave the balcony screen door open so he can go out and have a shit and stuff like that. 

They’re not too hard to look after, that’s for sure.

It’s okay for you guys, you got wives and husbands, children and grandchildren.

All I got is this lousy housefly.

Anyways, we’re (Buzz is around the house somewhere) going to have a beer and try and figure out what to make for lunch.

END

Variations on a Theme of Kraft Dinner.

  

Ian Cooper

After pounding back a few beers and otherwise coming to the end of another boredcast day, we decided to conduct another culinary experiment.

For whatever reason, call it poverty, call it food-lust, call it lack of imagination or really anything else in the cupboard, we had this hankering or gustatory horniness for Kraft Dinner. I guess maybe we were hungry.

Yes I said that right and no it’s not a mistake.

The first thing you need to understand is that army guys eat this shit all the time and the second thing is that it won’t kill you.

Throw half a WW II mess tin of water on to boil, salt in there to taste. Rip open your typical box of K-rations as you see fit.

So now what you want to do it to chop up a slice of a 37-mm onion, dice a trice of red, white or blue pepper and a couple of standard-issue shrooms don’t hurt as well. Okay, so, as soon as your H2O boils, what you want to do is to chuck all that shit in there and sort of pretend it’s soup for a while, and at this point it starts to smell pretty inspired. Seven minutes is way too long to be honest with you.

Unfortunately, it’s not. Not until you dump a pinch of herbs and spices in there and don’t forget that other box of generic crap dinner. You’ve got a dozen or so in the cupboard and you can never really eat it fast enough. The government’s trying to kill you, they just keep giving you more and more of it.

(Editor's Note: strain the water off in the usual fashion. - ed.)

Right?

What you do is to rip that other box open, take out the cheese powder and throw the rest of that shit away.

I know this is politically incorrect, but just trust me for a minute. What you now have is double-cheese K-rations, and that is really our big breakthrough here.

Also, salt to taste and adding a shit-load of black pepper is helpful as well.

I ate the whole friggin’ thing, ladies and gentlemen.

That is the greatest testimonial of all.

END