Sunday, June 2, 2013

What now?

What is this, some kind of filibuster?

by me, Ian Cooper.

Dear, um; editor;
It seems that we face a lots and lots of challenges in the future.

Bearing in mind Napoleon’s dictum, ‘In order to make an omelette, one must break a few eggs,’ it seems that one should, like a good Boy Scout; ‘Be Prepared.’

The early bird gets the worm – what the heck I’m supposed to do with these things I don’t know, but we also know that the squeaky wheel gets greased first, or you can put up and shut up. We need to put our noses to the grindstone and confront a few issues, like hospitals, crime, the economy, and common-law bigamy. ‘Cause after six months, you’re legally married now. This will hurt me more than it will hurt you. But if I don’t do it someone else will. That’s just capitalism at work, ladies and gentlema’am.

The citizens of this great place must learn to pull together, or surely we shall all hang separately. A house divided against itself cannot be re-decorated with any prospect of success or even cheaply. (And, “YES, I DID SEE THAT EPISODE OF ‘KILLER

Taxation with representation still appears to be tyranny, but if we work hard and if we try to all come out to play every night; and if we can gel together as a team,  if we set our sights a little higher and hitch our wagon to a star, anyway you know what I’m getting at.

A stitch in time saves nine, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Rome was not built in a day.

Much of our law is based upon Roman precedents; but lately it seems to me that the law has gone crazy. I can remember when gambling was a sin, for example.

Now spanking is against the law. Tell you what; ‘Dad, I forgive you.’ And thanks, strange as that may seem to the government.

It is now legal for women to bare their breasts in public. (It’s the LAW, ladies…)

(Just promise me you won’t smoke.)

 (By the way, that law has been around here in Ontario since about 1993, but it was only last summer when I saw a topless woman on the beach. My head did not explode. She looked O.K. from the neck down.)

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but several days ago was the first day of the rest of my life. And you are only as young as you feel. So if the dog days of March are getting you down, it’s always good to realize, “Somewhere in the world, there is always someone better off than yourself.”

Ladies and girlymen, I stand before you in this chair to tell you that despair is bad although my bark is worse than my bite. When all seems lost, try to remember where you had it last. The only thing we have to fear is that the village next door, which is one-tenth our size, will attempt to annex us; thereby causing a whole lot of angst, a great deal of ‘sturm und drang,’ in the local ‘Volksblatt.’ Yes; the next village will annex us. And a few other things. (Bears, for example.—ed.)

If the Mayor lost his job, he would have to go out into the real world and take one away from someone who might have some real abilities.

If at first we don’t succeed, then we’ll quit, right? How long can we be expected to put our shoulder to the wheel, keep our eye on the ball and never let ‘em see you sweat? I’m a middle-aged man, I’m gonna sweat. My back hurts and my eyes ain’t too good. It’s not impossible, but it just might take a little longer. Some people, women mostly, prefer that. I’m at that age when I’m damned grateful that I don’t have to have sex with anyone anymore.

They say, ‘great minds think alike,’ however they also say, ‘fools seldom differ.’

So I don’t know what to think, except, ‘who the hell is, ‘they?’’ (And how do you punctuate that?)

{There’s no middle ground here. – ed.}

I’m glad we had this little talk; it’s long overdue, but I’m pleased to announce that when I’m done talking things will get a little quieter around here.

It’s been more fun than a barrel of dead monkeys, but I’m tired and cranky and need
my nappy-time. Just always try to remember that there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Too many cooks spoil the broth; you can’t have your cake and eat it too; and if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or turn the stove off. Or open a window.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you throw it at him.

{Hey, Buddy!--ed.}

Keep on truckin’ and if you don’t have all the answers at least try to spell your name right. You know, fifty years ago it was a scientifically-proven fact that masturbation causes mental illness. Now look at society. (This is not specifically confirmed in the Bible.—ed.)

Sometimes you just have to take it on faith.

{Buddy, is this some kind of filibuster? –ed.}

So just for the record, my question is; “O.K. Now what?”  

Or even “Who cares?”

When you turn on the daytime talk show and Maury Povich is using DNA-based paternity testing in an attempt to prove that one of several aliens is some poor child’s father, just remember I said it first: “Why did she even go with the guy in the first place?”

{Okay, that’s it. Get out of here, ya bum! –ed.}

“I shall shut up for ten dollars…No! Make it twenty.”

(Out! – ed.)


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