Saturday, May 23, 2015

It's a Bohemian existence, Moriarity.

What the fuck is a Brisling sardine.























Ian Cooper




The pursuit of art can quickly lead to a kind of bohemian existence.

(Should that be capitalized, – ed?)

{How the fuck would I know? – ed.}

For example, tonight’s dinner consists entirely of odd-ball stuff.

Brisling Sardines. Courtesy of the Inn of the Good Shepherd.

Chicken and Slop, essentially a bag of noodles and seasoning mix. Courtesy of St. Vincent de Paul. There’s no chicken in there either.


Deli-style coleslaw. That’s a buck seventy-nine from Food Basics.

Mustard. Ninety-nine cents, Food Basics. Because otherwise the sardines usually taste like shit.

Tomato juice. Inn of the Good Shepherd.

***

Wow. Them Brisling sardines tasted so bad, I had to look up and see what the hell they were. 

Also, that tomato juice has been around for a fuck of a long time.

"It's a Bohemian existence, Moriarity."
It probably won’t kill me but it didn’t taste like much either.

The sardines ended up in the toilet where they belong.

And that’s okay, Baby. Because the band are beautiful people.

And we’ve all had enough of them negative waves.

It's a Bohemian existence, Moriarity.



END



Thursday, May 21, 2015

Chevauchée, a Work In Progress.









Ian Cooper



(An excerpt from a work in progress. -- ed.)

The men at arms had halted at an inn, while archers and footmen, mounted and dismounted, milled in the yard and filled their cups and horns from barrels of rich red wine.

“Larkin. What’s happening?”

“The ford is blocked.”

“Oh. What ford is that?”

Larkin laughed. It really was like that sometimes, men standing around with no idea of what was happening.

“There’s a river up ahead. Vaughn and Sands were in the van and they say there are hundreds of noble pennants on the far side.”

He spat, noisily, as Thomas stood, clinging to Chestnut’s bridle and wondering where he was going to find water, fodder, and something for his own belly.

This day, the army had gotten up well before dawn. Alternately walking and cantering, the army had covered a good ten miles before the sun broke the horizon.

That was all Thomas knew.

In Old Bill’s stories, it seemed that his father was right there in the innermost circles at every council, and had a bird’s eye view of every battlefield, and had always known every little thing that was going on.

He saw now that that was not necessarily so.

Men milled in confusion in front of the doorway, and Thomas wondered if they were going in, or more likely the inn was full to capacity.

At that time, the door crashed open, men began shouting questions and several of Sir John’s captains forced their way out against a reluctant crowd of men.

“Back! Back! Make way, make way.”

The huddle of men backing up were treading on their toes, and Larkin grabbed Thomas’s arm and pulled him off to one side. There were two kinds of men in that yard, men who were talking, rather shouting, and those who would listen if only they could hear.

Sir John stepped out of the inn’s front door and the quiet descended as he stepped up on a box and spoke, in quite a normal voice.

“Right. I need a hundred mounted archers, all volunteers.”

Larkin grabbed his right arm and lofted it in his strong and callused grip.

“Here we are, my Lord.”

Sir John turned and grinned.

“Ah, yes, the Cheshire cat, Larkin my boy, how the Hades are you, sir?”

“I am well, Sir John. The last time I saw you, sir, one of us had a head like a half-chewed pudding.” He turned aside. “Some of you may recall that particular incident.”

A ripple of laughter went through the fascinated mob, ears all a-quiver and straining to catch every syllable.

“…and one of us had a pretty good dose of the clap, as you may recall…”

The men roared, thousands of them, all jamming into the yard, streaming in on foot from all sides now that there was news.

“Ah, yes, be that as it may. I need a hundred of you good fellows. I’m offering a gold salut, for any man that crosses the ford…and lives to collect.”

There was a hubbub as men struggled, pushing their neighbours aside and thrusting themselves forward.

Sir John’s captain, William Vaughn, was there with his quill and his book of doom as some called it, all ready to take their names as Larkin dragged him forward.

“Come along lad, you’ll find this a little more to your taste.”

(End of excerpt. -- ed.) 


Taken is free from Smashwords.

Thank you for reading my excerpt.

--ian

Monday, May 4, 2015

Performance Wish List for the PT Cruiser





Ian Cooper


This is my wish list for a few performance parts for a 2004 Chrysler PT Cruiser. There are all kinds of mods you could make. Just so you know, mine has the sunroof, a five-speed manual gearbox, power everything. The stereo is nice and there is a driver’s side seat heater for those cold winter mornings.

My first thought was a set of Hooker headers. It’s a lot of money although I’m sure it would sound good. It seems a bit nuts to put headers on there if you don’t plan on doing anything else to the engine. However, we could sure get a nice sound from a cat-back free-flow exhaust system like this, and who knows, it might add a horsey or two onto the top-end figures.

Every kid knows about cold air induction. But this kit looks fairly inexpensive and you might get a couple of additional horsepower on the Chrysler 2.4-litre four cylinder engine in the PT.

This is some kind of spacer that goes in between the thingy and the thingamabobber.

It’s only eighty bucks so we might as well throw that in the shopping cart…I have no idea what that does but I do love tormenting the neighbours. That will teach you to look over my shoulder all the time, Mofo.

I saw a PT going down the road the other day and it sounded pretty good. It also had some stripes on there, most likely factory. That car was purple, which does say something about the driver. The horn blows too, as we all know. But I sort of wondered and then Googled around. 

These are really cute, I kind of like the chrome colour.

In the bad old days, we might have used premium fuel for the simplest, cheapest performance boost possible. The occasional tank of 94-octane (as opposed to the regular 87-octane) won’t hurt the engine or the plugs. A little jug of fuel injector cleaner in there once or twice a year won’t hurt either.

All kinds of tips and pointers here.

Bearing in mind the price difference between regular and premium, that might not be worth it these days unless we plan on jacking into the engine computer. In this particular case, we have no plans to do that.

Simply removing the rear seats might take a hundred pounds from the car, although one comment here says two hundred. Mine are the leather ones, which probably are the heaviest. On a car of this weight, 3,123 lbs., you’re maybe taking three percent of the total mass away from your package. This is the cheapest extra horsepower you’re ever going to get. Yeah, I don’t have kids and most of the time I’m alone in the car. The real problem is where to leave them when you live in an apartment and the car is three hundred feet and a few flights of steps away.

Also, I’m a lazy cunt.

When you’re young and the hair still hasn’t started falling, you really ought to get a set of Recaro bucket seats. If this doesn’t convince the ladies of the sheer bulk of your cojones, this writer is completely mystified by women.

Oh, yeah, Baby. Put a pair of them in there for me, willya? And we probably need one of these in here too.

We really ought to throw some aftermarket electronic goodies on there as long as we got that old Kickstarter campaign going….shit.

Did I say that?

Please don’t tell the ODSP.

One of these babies would work well. I could have a second career as a tech blogger if I'm not careful. (All the tech bloggers have them in their airplanes.)

Oh, yeah, and she’s looking a bit dusty lately.

Did I say she’s black, with black, on black, with black trim and accessories and a little bit of extra black checked off on the option list for good measure?

For that we’re going to need some wax and a couple of bikini-clad skankers.

Fog lamps are always worthwhile, and who knows, maybe you won’t have to go to the speed shop to put them in. Ah, who are we kidding.

Then there’s the whole Cragar thing. (Mag wheels.)

I’m just kidding, ladies and gentlemen. Ha! We’ve already got mag wheels on there.

Sorry. I was just goofing around.

Pirellis. Because it’s a wish list. It’s not like I have the money to do any of this!

Fuzzy Dice. (Wiki.)

Other than that, it’s pretty easy to piss away a lot of money on a crappy old car.

It might be fun, though.

This might be the last car I own before I die.

Which is kind of sad, when you think about it.

(Aw. – ed.)


END


End