Monday, May 4, 2015

Performance Wish List for the PT Cruiser

Ian Cooper

This is my wish list for a few performance parts for a 2004 Chrysler PT Cruiser. There are all kinds of mods you could make. Just so you know, mine has the sunroof, a five-speed manual gearbox, power everything. The stereo is nice and there is a driver’s side seat heater for those cold winter mornings.

My first thought was a set of Hooker headers. It’s a lot of money although I’m sure it would sound good. It seems a bit nuts to put headers on there if you don’t plan on doing anything else to the engine. However, we could sure get a nice sound from a cat-back free-flow exhaust system like this, and who knows, it might add a horsey or two onto the top-end figures.

Every kid knows about cold air induction. But this kit looks fairly inexpensive and you might get a couple of additional horsepower on the Chrysler 2.4-litre four cylinder engine in the PT.

This is some kind of spacer that goes in between the thingy and the thingamabobber.

It’s only eighty bucks so we might as well throw that in the shopping cart…I have no idea what that does but I do love tormenting the neighbours. That will teach you to look over my shoulder all the time, Mofo.

I saw a PT going down the road the other day and it sounded pretty good. It also had some stripes on there, most likely factory. That car was purple, which does say something about the driver. The horn blows too, as we all know. But I sort of wondered and then Googled around. 

These are really cute, I kind of like the chrome colour.

In the bad old days, we might have used premium fuel for the simplest, cheapest performance boost possible. The occasional tank of 94-octane (as opposed to the regular 87-octane) won’t hurt the engine or the plugs. A little jug of fuel injector cleaner in there once or twice a year won’t hurt either.

All kinds of tips and pointers here.

Bearing in mind the price difference between regular and premium, that might not be worth it these days unless we plan on jacking into the engine computer. In this particular case, we have no plans to do that.

Simply removing the rear seats might take a hundred pounds from the car, although one comment here says two hundred. Mine are the leather ones, which probably are the heaviest. On a car of this weight, 3,123 lbs., you’re maybe taking three percent of the total mass away from your package. This is the cheapest extra horsepower you’re ever going to get. Yeah, I don’t have kids and most of the time I’m alone in the car. The real problem is where to leave them when you live in an apartment and the car is three hundred feet and a few flights of steps away.

Also, I’m a lazy cunt.

When you’re young and the hair still hasn’t started falling, you really ought to get a set of Recaro bucket seats. If this doesn’t convince the ladies of the sheer bulk of your cojones, this writer is completely mystified by women.

Oh, yeah, Baby. Put a pair of them in there for me, willya? And we probably need one of these in here too.

We really ought to throw some aftermarket electronic goodies on there as long as we got that old Kickstarter campaign going….shit.

Did I say that?

Please don’t tell the ODSP.

One of these babies would work well. I could have a second career as a tech blogger if I'm not careful. (All the tech bloggers have them in their airplanes.)

Oh, yeah, and she’s looking a bit dusty lately.

Did I say she’s black, with black, on black, with black trim and accessories and a little bit of extra black checked off on the option list for good measure?

For that we’re going to need some wax and a couple of bikini-clad skankers.

Fog lamps are always worthwhile, and who knows, maybe you won’t have to go to the speed shop to put them in. Ah, who are we kidding.

Then there’s the whole Cragar thing. (Mag wheels.)

I’m just kidding, ladies and gentlemen. Ha! We’ve already got mag wheels on there.

Sorry. I was just goofing around.

Pirellis. Because it’s a wish list. It’s not like I have the money to do any of this!

Fuzzy Dice. (Wiki.)

Other than that, it’s pretty easy to piss away a lot of money on a crappy old car.

It might be fun, though.

This might be the last car I own before I die.

Which is kind of sad, when you think about it.

(Aw. – ed.)



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