Thursday, September 3, 2015

Legalize It: Editorial.

Cannabis Training University, (Wiki).


In Colorado, Washington state and Washington D.C., (and a couple of other places I’m too lazy to look up), they’re all saying the same thing.

Legalize it and they will come.

As Canadians, I’m sure that we all agree that all of them other countries all around the world are just plain nuts, right? But just this once the Americans have beaten us to the punch, or in their case maybe the draw.

The newly-fangled, independently-published pot industry is playing hell with the old fashioned curators of pot distribution, namely and to wit, the Mexican-Hindu Cartel, the Heck’s Angels, and the good old Jewish-Irishmen Syndicate, (who as you may know is/are constantly warring over turf with the Scottish-Hindu Gang and the Welsh-Shinto Alliance).

Remember when you could get Panama Red, and Acapulco Gold? I mean twenty bucks an ounce. That kind of thing. When was the last time you saw a fifteen-buck gram of Hawaiian, just a bit salty and tasting of pine trees and the sea? 

No more, ladies and gentlemen, and in fact I have never seen an actual Thai stick in my life. 

But independently-published pot is now legal. When was the last time you saw any good Black Lebanese? Three fucking gold camels stamped on the top, showing marks from being wrapped in, ahem, muslin? Not since 9/11, I bet.

(Some of these kids have no idea of what I’m talking about. – ed.)

Because now, what used to cost the consumer $300.00 an ounce is a lot cheaper. Now it generates tax dollars for the common weal rather than generate prisoners for some miserable and bastardly for-profit prison system.

The people have spoken or maybe they haz smokin’, whichever you prefer, ladies and gentlemen.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcaire has promised to legalize (or decriminalize, which isn’t always the same thing) marijuana use ‘first thing’ or so he says. One must take all political promises with a grain of salt, (not meth, okay?) for sure, but one wonders what Conservative (Pamela) and Liberal pot-smokers (Justin) think of all this. As for the Greens, they don’t even know what it means. The trouble with legalization of pot-smoking is that the people in charge of getting it legalized are of course the pot-smokers themselves, which is a bit like putting illegal drug cartels in charge of keeping the peace, ensuring the safety and welfare of the people, et cetera.

It’s like putting the coal company in charge of social housing when people could just live in their cars in the parking lot.

Safe to say it’s not their highest priority, especially in a land of badly-educated people, but in a province where the government has taken charge of gambling, horse-racing, alcohol and tobacco sales, prostitution even, one wonders what the hold-up is.

Of all recreational drugs, this one has the least number of side-effects (may cause munchies, pink-eye and green teeth), and is at least as good as alleviating constipation, (depending on how much you eat), as some other herbal remedies.

(This is why you save the stems, which have absolutely no gluten in them at all. You make tea, which softens them up, and eat them for the constipation. Then you drink the tea for the damned stems caught in your throat. It’s all good, ladies and gentlemen. Then you piss, which means it’s a diuretic as well).

But fucking seriously, ladies and gentlemen, the shit has all kinds of uses, I feed the seed along with bread soaked in whiskey on cold winter days to a bunch of starlings and then I sit back, giggle a bit and watch them fuckers try and hold onto a tree-branch…

You can also bathe in it.

It defoliates your tender little epidermis and puts a fine polish on those over-heated facial features.

‘Cause we all know (everyone that’s reading this) that you’re naked right now.

I know I sure am, which is one of the great things about this job.

Also, my shirt was on fire.

It’s all good, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, if we’re really, really polite all of the time, and let the other guys make fools of themselves all the time, then sooner or later we occupy the moral high ground by default. We don’t even really have to do anything.

Why not just think about that for a while.

You’ll figure it out.


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